Today I have faith but I can’t make any promises about tomorrow. There’s no home for the living in the land of the dead so I keep pressing forward. Maps that show you the winding roads that leads to my pains, I am tired! I am so freaking tired! I am longing for the day that I will place my fingers in his nail pierced hands because honestly I have considered quitting but where will I go? Back? No! These lines on my face around my eyes are not wrinkles. Me, and a back pack full of fear! And nowhere to go. I remember sitting in a college classroom and the only thing being tested was my faith in God (if I was going to cheat in an exam room) and the only thing passing was my hope! But my doubts were busy preaching a sermon of their own and the streams of my tears turned into an ocean of frustrations.

I remember sitting in the back row of the sanctuary that I fellowship in and that’s CITAM Karen, crying…and constantly weeping, because I desperately wanted what the preacher was saying to be true. I had never seen such pain and such confidence living in the same eyes when she told me, ‘’I don’t know what I am going to do, but I know who I belong to.’’ And for a moment, I was so happy for her and something inside of me wished that somehow before she passed away, she would pass on her confidence in God to me like a family picture. Last year, my grandmother laid in a hospital bed like a man in a bus top waiting for God to come pick her up and take her home. But never enough answers and my faith is small enough to fit in the cracks of my palms.Įvery night I lay down to sleep, the city of my mind is attacked by a legend of questions threatening the living rooms of my sanity and holding them hostage! Lord Can you help me? The shadow of a doubt that I have lived in its darkness for so long and now it seems like I have all the right questions. To never know the day that you will finally be able to live beyond the shadow of a doubt. What it feels like to have your entire belief system over load by skepticism. But she knew without a doubt that it was to be true because after all, mommy said so.Īnd that was the first time in my life that I looked straight into the eyes of a child and envied them because she had no idea of what it feels like to doubt. I remember my little niece ran up to me one day and told me, ‘we learnt about Jesus today.’’ And I could tell by her smile that she was so excited to learn about this man that she did not quite know yet.

Without any shadow of doubt